Chapter 2: BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE
Chapter 3: POEMS FOR THE BEAGLE
Chapter 5: POEMS FOR THE SAINT BERNARD
Chapter 8: MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST
Chapter 10: QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE
Chapter 11: TIME TO STOP CHASING YOUR TAIL
In this chapter the dog is introduced. No matter who a man claims to be, he's a dog deep down. It's time that dogs unite and start their own club. Men aren't romantic. The ones who seem like they are, are only acting. And, one day they too will be caught. The reader learns that this book is his ticket out of the doghouse and also how never to return to it. But, why? What's so bad about the doghouse? Plain and simple, men aren't having sex while they're there. So, we've got to get them back where they belong. They get there by accumulating and storing points. And, they don't have to go at it alone.
Chapter 2: BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE
This chapter explores the beginning of a relationship when the man was being romantic so as to get sex, and the woman was putting out more, because of her romantic partner. The idea: get back to that. How? No more barking up the wrong tree. The author hand feeds the reader everything he needs to bring the spark of romance back into the heart of his woman; poems, songs, letters, games, adventures, and the like. He gets to claim everything as his own creation. It's suggested that the reader start slowly and simply use the beginning sections of the book, while working his way to more complex romance as time goes on. Each entry comes with a detailed listing of when and how to use it.
Chapter 3: POEMS FOR THE BEAGLE
This chapter is for the true beginner, the Beagle. It includes twelve romantic poems and letters for the reader to "borrow". These are the bottom of the barrel. No, they're not bad, but they are a bit primitive, not unlike what a newcomer to the world of romantic writing might create. They're bad enough to appear new, but good enough to be called cute. The poems are introduced in order from simplest to most complex, so the reader can find where he lies on the "romantic writing spectrum", then progress slowly and naturally to a more accomplished primitive romantic.
The eighteen entries in this chapter are for a man a bit more advanced than the Beagle, the Lab. The entries, although still fun, tend to take on a more serious tone. The language and rhyme-schemes are a bit more complex using more metaphors and similes. These entries, like the previous chapter, have descriptive breakdowns of how and when to use them including "anniversary", "when the two are apart", "wedding day", "Christmas", "a proposal", "Valentine's Day", "when she's pregnant", "birthday", and "just because".
Chapter 5: POEMS FOR THE SAINT BERNARD
This chapter offers fourteen more entries for the reader. Being the most complex and advanced entries in the book, the reader is advised to only utilize this chapter after working up to this level. To attempt to claim these works as his own, with no warm-up before hand, would definitely prove disastrous for the silly man who thinks of outwitting his woman in such a way. These poems and letters are longer and the content and style are far deeper than the previous thirty entries.
This chapter, like the three previous ones, is compiled of more romantic entries in order from "easiest" to "pain-in-the-ass". The difference is that chapter six's entries are not to be written, but are actually ideas, journeys, excursions, and adventures. They compliment the entries of chapters three through five. These ideas are terribly important in the "point earning" department. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and actions speak louder than words. The previous chapters dug the hole. Chapter six buries the bone. The set up is the same with descriptions of the twenty-four romantic ideas and a brief, yet detailed, description of how to pull each one off, when, and even what gifts and props might add flavor and points. The end of the chapter includes a fully comprehensive guide to anniversary gifts. It's an exhaustive look at what to get from years one to seventy five, based on half a dozen resources, from the traditional to modern gifts. Men have no idea about this stuff, while women seem to have it memorized.
This chapter is the easiest to use for the romantically-challenged male. There's nothing to do but take the page to a copy shop and Xerox it, use it, and claim it as his own. There's a phony money page, where the reader adds a photo of himself on the faux bill, copies some sheets, cuts them up, and gives them to his girl with a list of duties and their prices so she can purchase his labor at any time. The chapter also includes a blank report card for sexual performance, as well as a puzzle poem that the reader's woman is supposed to piece together. Like the other entries, these come with detailed suggestions on how and when to pull them off.
a name="chapter8">Chapter 8: MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST
The right music can set the mood for romance, sex, and everything in between. Many men only know the songs they listened to in their truck while they ditched high school English Literature. This chapter offers a vast array of songs from the forties to today, from funk and soul, to easy listening and disco. There are over 150 songs organized by artist in the first section called "General Love Songs". Then, there are another hundred listings under the occasion categories (anniversary, Christmas, far apart, I'm sorry, pregnant, proposal, sex, Valentine's Day, and wedding). Time to get the groove on.
This interactive chapter is a definite must for any man involved with any woman for any amount of time. See, women seem to have memories like intricate alphabetized filing cabinets, with a cross-reference sheet taped to the side. They know dates of this and that, peoples names and ages, favorite colors, favorite numbers, favorite animals. They remember everyone's clothes sizes and who they sent Christmas cards to last year, as well as who sent them one. And, they expect men to do the same. Men don't. They can't. So, chapter nine gives the prompts "Her Favorites", "Her Sizes", "Names That Men Should Know", and "The Dates". The reader gets this information using any means necessary, then copies the page three times, sticking one in his wallet, the second in his car's glovebox, and the final one at a financial institution's safe deposit box. The small investment of time on this chapter will prove invaluable in future points, doghouse avoidance, and in sex.
Chapter 10: QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE
The reality is that the man who reads this book is not a planner. The guy who needs to cheat at romance to obtain sex, is a last-minute-man. Odds are, he won't thumb through this book leisurely as he sits on the can. He wakes up to "Happy Anniversary, dear", and realizes it's already been another year, and, like the year before, he's forgotten again. No time to stroll through these pages to find the ideas and entries best suited for him. So, he hits chapter ten. He looks for his occasion: anniversary. Under poems and letters, it's broken down from simple to complex. He chooses his level and is directed to the correct page. He also uses the same process for romantic anniversary ideas, reproducibles, and songs. Everything needed for quick access, right at his fingertips.
Chapter 11: TIME TO STOP CHASING YOUR TAIL
This is where the reader is bid farewell on his journey to "appear romantic while hopping between the sheets". It's the time when friends part ways, when the teacher says goodbye to his student, when mother bird pushes her babies out of the nest. Chapter eleven takes time to reflect on the reader's woman for a moment. Although the book has a primitive-man flavor, any fellow willing to use it must have genuine feelings for his woman. This is where the reader is reminded of precisely that. He's also assured that although the book is over, he can continue this "charade" because he's learned how to, through each entry, each poem, each journey, and each song. But, for those who still aren't comfortable with cutting the cord, there's a reminder that the author is seeking submissions for a sequel to the book.
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